Alcohol, my dearest

This, I found pretty much hilarious.. tho I did edit it a bit.
Friend of mine posted it on her blog and I swoofed it from her. Not sure where she aquired it from, but anyhow I give Bgirl credit for finding it.

I'll throw in my own comments in (these)


Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: Whilst I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

(see, for some reason we allways want to talk to an ex at this point.. be it to tell them off or to tell them we are sorry about the past usually depends on what we are drinking. Liquor makes me mean, so usually it's to tell her what a fucking bitch I think she is, and that I thought I should share it with her before I forgot. Beer doesnt make me mean, but usually I do the same.. What can i say, im an asshole)


2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat at Hardees, The omlette Shoppe, and a few other excessively disgusting places? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

(I fucking hate Hardees with a passion.. but many a time I can remember waking up with a damn Monster burger wrapper on my ipllow)


3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock!

(man, the first time I tried ecstacy I got way fuckin loaded.. I lost the keys to my fucking car in my front yard, in the snow. I didnt find them again til spring)


4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

(yea really, I mean come on. We have been friends since I was like 13.. give me a fuckin break would ya? I dont go beating you off of walls and floors, so why do you make my head feel like it has been? Cmon' give me a break would ya?)


Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

(Ah fuck, I swear I had like $400 on me last night.. did I get fuckin robbed or something? I must have, cause I have one hell of a headache and I cant remember shit that happened last night)


In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan


(Siwel, mo'tha fucka)


P.S.

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
^ahahaha

b) Nope, no more booze for me.
^ actually, I have been so wasted I did that once

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
^ yea, youre def not slutty enough for me..

d) No hardees for me, thank you.
^ god, if only

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
^ what in the FUCK did you pull me over for? My tax's pay your salary asshole

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
^ my friends think you are a fucking douche too, hang on lemme go get them

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
^ SHE FUCKIN HATES ME!@#$ (with a mic in hand)

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
^ welp, time to find some whores on the dancefloor..

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
^ ok, you need to pull over.. NOW

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
^ only said when less than 2 beers have been consumed.